Anything about your crippling loneliness or #falseflag suspicions
BY KATE HAKALA
Amanda Bynes has been disseminating some lethal Twitter updates lately. To wit: “I want @drake to murder my vagina.”
Murder my vagina? I expected more from the woman who once
curated Hillbilly Moments. Three shots of Cazadores says she did not get that date.
Which got me thinking (and admitting), we totally judge potential dates on their Facebook and Twitter statuses. Being overly verbal myself, I seem to have developed a Pavlovian sexual response to the well-developed status. Slam-dunks include insightful and original takes on social issues, tales of homeless men with chaps made of sweatpants on the subway, and nearly any link to our contemporary Gogol, Louis CK. But, between these gems are alternating Facebook statuses so shrewdly misfired that I am left with both heart and fly boarded up. Statuses so obnoxious or misguided that they leave vaginas sandpapery and penises fainting-couch-limp. In order to shake that, here is a list of ten types of statuses to avoid if you’re looking for any future romantic engagements with anyone other than Amanda Bynes.